Thriving in a Relationship When You Have Chronic Illness
Book Reflection by Samantha Shurley
In Sickness and In Health
When you get married it’s typical to recite the familiar vows in sickness and in health. I truly didn’t think my husband and I would be living those vow so soon. Before we got married my husband knew I was struggling with some health issues, but neither of us knew the extent until I had to quit my job just a couple months after our wedding.
Our first two years of marriage were some of the hardest of my life so far. I’d recently left an amazing job, dropped out of school and my health was declining at an extremely rapid rate. As you can imagine these sudden changes impacted both of us in very different ways. My husband went from being a contributor to a sole provider, and I went from an ambitious active person to being solely housebound within a matter of months.
During this incredibly difficult stage of our lives we had a lot of outside support from family and friends, but the real challenges happened behind closed doors. My husband worked overtime to drive me to all of my appointments, cooked, cleaned, helped me shower, dress, etc. all while studying for two professional engineering certifications. I spent all of my limited energy researching, corresponding with providers and insurance while battling extremely scary symptoms with little to no relief for almost two years.
I am happy to report we came out of these past couple years stronger and more connected than ever. You might be wondering why I’m talking about this when I’m supposed to be reflecting on a book. Well, I am. I’m reflecting on every hardship that this book reminded me of. Every hardship that my husband and I have faced together and individually.
Surviving < Thriving
“both partners are experiencing a huge shift in their lives, and just because only one of them is ill does not mean they’re the only person suffering.”
I loved that this book made the emphasis that both partners are suffering, even when one is relatively healthy. The toll of being a caregiver is completely different from the toll of being chronically ill. Both rolls come with challenges that the other can’t fully perceive, but that doesn’t mean there can’t be understanding.
“It’s okay to differ in your feelings about both your past and your future direction. But to thrive as partners, you need to find ways to understand and support each other.”
One of the biggest lessons I have learned since getting sick and being married is that it’s not always about me.
You might be thinking, “ Well duh, who in the heck would only think about themselves when their in a relationship?”
When you’re living with chronic illness and in my case almost constant pain, it takes conscious effort to remove myself from a protective mental and physical state. In order to recognize that my husband is struggling I have to put aside my pain to accommodate and see his needs. Just like he puts aside his extra stressors to accommodate and see my needs.
“It’s almost like an additional person has joined the relationship, and now everyone involved has to figure out how to navigate what has suddenly created a huge shift. ”
I went into this book knowing that my husband and I have a pretty good foundation. This book only further validated this for me. Almost every exercise or suggestion given, resembled the work my husband and I have painstakingly focused on. This book came a little late in my chronic illness and relationship journey, but there are some great points to come back to when we inevitably slip into different states in our relationship.
Acceptance & Commitment
All meaningful and lasting relationships take work from all participating parties. It pains me to say, but sometimes love isn’t enough to hold two people together. There has to be trust, understanding, acceptance and commitment.
My husband and I have discussed at length about how unpredictable life can be. We vowed to support each other in sickness and in health. Even though I wish we didn’t need to focus so much on the sickness part. I am grateful for the lessons these vows have forced us to learn together. Choosing each other every day is the hardest and most rewarding part of our marriage.
Join the Silent Battles Book Club
Thriving in a Relationship When You Have Chronic Illness by Lisa Gray, LMFT was the Silent Battles Book Club’s book choice for May 2026.
I started the Silent Battles Book Club in an attempt to create a community of chronically ill and disabled readers. We read books with chronic illness and disability representation, along with educational books to learn more about our conditions and lives together.
If you are interested in joining our community you can click on Mori below. (our skeleton mascot)
